Do you cringe when your kid comes home from school upset due to gossip at school?
A client with ADHD who struggles to keep up with the demands of classwork came to our session, eyes swollen, still having difficulty holding the tears back.
After years of being behind in classwork, and teachers calling her out repeatedly due to unfinished work, she was used to being the butt of many peer jokes.
The current rumor made the comments of her being “dumb” — no big deal.
Two people in her class found a photo of her on social media and began spreading a rumor that she was doing inappropriate acts. She was tormented at school.
Her world continually seemed to be cruel and uninviting.
How do we help?
Why are kids so hurtful? What can we do as parents to decrease gossip about our kids?
Of course, we are not going to be able to stop all the hurt our kids will endure as they grow, but we can prepare them and try to set them up for success.
- Educate them by having open conversations. Studies have linked gossip to lowering empathy, as those who engage in gossip tend to focus on others’ flaws rather than strengths.
- Rather than speaking about your child or their friend’s current drama, try using a time in your own life when gossip damaged relationships. Talk about how it brought shame to both the one engaged in gossip and the person being gossiped about. Bring perspective to what it feels like when they are being gossiped about.
- Help them see all the types of gossip. There are times when gossip is hard to recognize, it can be masked as jokes or slipped in conversations subtly.
- I see this as negative talk. When you hear your child talking negatively about someone else, do your best to add in the positives. “Man, we all have been there. I remember when that happened to me (or my dad, sister, etc.). It really hurt their feelings when their friends shared their information with others. Thanks for talking to me about this, but let’s keep this to ourselves. This conversation should stay in our car/room/house.”
- Try helping your child stand up for themselves and others.
- I’m not asking your child to get in the middle of it. I love blanket statements. “I don’t have an opinion on what Becky is wearing. I don’t like it when people judge what I am wearing.” “I don’t know if that’s true. I don’t know the facts.”
- We want our kids to stay out of it! Our kids are not the police of other people’s words. We want them to not get involved! Empower them to be confident. They don’t have time to talk about other people. PERIOD.
- Slightly off-topic, but statistics show that people who do not gossip make more money and are happier with their own lives. Who knew!!
- Keep the conversation going. We want our kids to come to us with these problems from a young age.
- Kids do much better when you’re not looking at them in the eyes while talking. Try talking to them while you’re on a walk, driving (no technology allowed in the car!), bowling, ax throwing, playing pool, etc. Have fun talking while doing something else to take the mom-is here-for-a-deep-conversation feeling off them.
- Start early. Get the lines of communication open so your kids talk about everything in their world. This will make conversations easier as they get into middle and high school.
It is our duty as parents to listen and understand what our kids are going through. From there we should empower them to handle these situations with confidence and resilience.
Photo by Vitolda Klein on Unsplash